Non-compete clause
Recently my wife and I got settled in to a new home. When it comes to having a harmonious relationship with my wife - I have no complaints. Yet, when there have been times when things aren't clicking the way they should, I have often asked myself the question, "why?"
Over the past year, when my wife and I have had a riff, or an argument, or we're annoyed with one another - once the dust has settled I have tried to look back and figure out what happened.
I think I figured it out!
Stay with me - I am a pretty simple guy, and I think I have found the simple solution, and it looks like this:
When our relationship is working it is because we are in a spirit of "cooperation" with one another. When it is not working, it is because at least one (maybe both) of us is in a mode of "competition."
That's it!
Peace and Harmony = COOPERATION
Combatative and Annoyed = COMPETITION
Case in point. I was left in charge of unpacking and organizing one room in our new place. As I started to unbox everything I got overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do with everything. Plus, my wife had already begun to organize everything in a specific way, but I didn't know the system. I felt flustered, anxious, and helpless. I pictured myself collapsing into the pile of things and making agonizing "stuff" angels. Calgon take me away!
By the time my wife came in to check my progress I had already passed my breaking point. It didn't take much before I focused all of my frustration on her, blamed her for my plight, and behaved so embarrasingly immature that I humiliated myself. Yeah, it was pretty sad.
Once I got some distance from my tamtrum, I asked myself the question, "What happened?" The answer was clear. All of this moving my wife and I had done, as soon as I had a project that wasn't going well, I looked for a scapegoat. Instead of asking my wife for help, and treating the project as a cooperation - I mentally turned her into the enemey. In doing so I tried to make a case for myself of how this was unfair, and comparring the amount of work we were each doing. I was making lists in my head of who has done what, and trying to convince myself that my behavioir was justified. I was viewing our relationship as a competition that somehow involved a scoreboard of "who" and "how much" each person does.
Either way, I was still the loser.
Once I got my head out of my...well...you know...I apologized and explained myself to my wife - who graciously accepted my apology. As I moved forward I couldn't help thinking how simple this concept of cooperation vs. competition really is.
To put it this way, when we are in a mode of cooperation - we are actually thinking: "What can I GIVE in this situation?"
When we are in a mode of competition, we are thinking: "What can I GET in this situation?"
Cooperation vs. Competition is the same as Giving vs. Getting.
If I look back at all of the speed bumps in my marriage - I can honestly say it is because one or both of us were competiting. We might compete over who does the most housework, or who has more responsibility with the kids, or who spends the most money?
When one person feels this way, it is difficult for the other person not to be offended and get on the defensive. When the other person jumps into the fight, it becomes a trial of who does the most? Or, who neglects the other? Or, who gives the most love?
Yeah, it can be pretty ugly.
Now, think of your relationships when things are perfect. When there is harmony and peace. For me, that is when both of us are appreciating one another, or going out of our way to help the other person out. It also means that you or your partner are not feeling "needy" or "left out." Both of you are in a mode of giving, not getting, so your focus, attention, and love is on the other person - not yourself.
Think of any relationship in your life - and is it good or bad? Either way, I truly believe you can narrow it down to whether or not your relationship with that person (or thing) is in cooperation or competition. As I think about all the things in my life that I am in relationship with - this idea works. Think of your relationship to your friends, family members, or co-workers - it works. Now, think of your relationship to your health, or the enviornment...
The idea still works!
So, when you are feeling inharmony in a relationship - maybe it is as easy as making a simple shift in attitude. Maybe you can talk to the other person and see if they are interested in agreeing to a "Non-compete clause."
And you thought those contracts were just for the business world ;)
Have a great day everyone!
Much love,
Travis
561.676.4583
Over the past year, when my wife and I have had a riff, or an argument, or we're annoyed with one another - once the dust has settled I have tried to look back and figure out what happened.
I think I figured it out!
Stay with me - I am a pretty simple guy, and I think I have found the simple solution, and it looks like this:
When our relationship is working it is because we are in a spirit of "cooperation" with one another. When it is not working, it is because at least one (maybe both) of us is in a mode of "competition."
That's it!
Peace and Harmony = COOPERATION
Combatative and Annoyed = COMPETITION
Case in point. I was left in charge of unpacking and organizing one room in our new place. As I started to unbox everything I got overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do with everything. Plus, my wife had already begun to organize everything in a specific way, but I didn't know the system. I felt flustered, anxious, and helpless. I pictured myself collapsing into the pile of things and making agonizing "stuff" angels. Calgon take me away!
By the time my wife came in to check my progress I had already passed my breaking point. It didn't take much before I focused all of my frustration on her, blamed her for my plight, and behaved so embarrasingly immature that I humiliated myself. Yeah, it was pretty sad.
Once I got some distance from my tamtrum, I asked myself the question, "What happened?" The answer was clear. All of this moving my wife and I had done, as soon as I had a project that wasn't going well, I looked for a scapegoat. Instead of asking my wife for help, and treating the project as a cooperation - I mentally turned her into the enemey. In doing so I tried to make a case for myself of how this was unfair, and comparring the amount of work we were each doing. I was making lists in my head of who has done what, and trying to convince myself that my behavioir was justified. I was viewing our relationship as a competition that somehow involved a scoreboard of "who" and "how much" each person does.
Either way, I was still the loser.
Once I got my head out of my...well...you know...I apologized and explained myself to my wife - who graciously accepted my apology. As I moved forward I couldn't help thinking how simple this concept of cooperation vs. competition really is.
To put it this way, when we are in a mode of cooperation - we are actually thinking: "What can I GIVE in this situation?"
When we are in a mode of competition, we are thinking: "What can I GET in this situation?"
Cooperation vs. Competition is the same as Giving vs. Getting.
If I look back at all of the speed bumps in my marriage - I can honestly say it is because one or both of us were competiting. We might compete over who does the most housework, or who has more responsibility with the kids, or who spends the most money?
When one person feels this way, it is difficult for the other person not to be offended and get on the defensive. When the other person jumps into the fight, it becomes a trial of who does the most? Or, who neglects the other? Or, who gives the most love?
Yeah, it can be pretty ugly.
Now, think of your relationships when things are perfect. When there is harmony and peace. For me, that is when both of us are appreciating one another, or going out of our way to help the other person out. It also means that you or your partner are not feeling "needy" or "left out." Both of you are in a mode of giving, not getting, so your focus, attention, and love is on the other person - not yourself.
Think of any relationship in your life - and is it good or bad? Either way, I truly believe you can narrow it down to whether or not your relationship with that person (or thing) is in cooperation or competition. As I think about all the things in my life that I am in relationship with - this idea works. Think of your relationship to your friends, family members, or co-workers - it works. Now, think of your relationship to your health, or the enviornment...
The idea still works!
So, when you are feeling inharmony in a relationship - maybe it is as easy as making a simple shift in attitude. Maybe you can talk to the other person and see if they are interested in agreeing to a "Non-compete clause."
And you thought those contracts were just for the business world ;)
Have a great day everyone!
Much love,
Travis
561.676.4583
Labels: counseling, life coaching Travis Thomas, non-compete clause, relationships, self-help, therapy, travis thomas
3 Comments:
So true, Travis!!
I often felt, in my marriage, that I was in a competition. It was very one sided and always made me feel like i had done something wrong.
Yuck.
Thankfully, that's over.
Happy and healthy, having just weathered the storm,
xo Kiley
LOVE your spin on this and how it relates to marriage...and more! Thanks for always being able to put your thoughts into print so you can spread the wealth of knowledge!
Love from Boston,
The Scully Gang
I think the book is a great idea. I'm already wanting more. Especially about the part...
"It also means that you or your partner are not feeling "needy" or "left out."
Thanks!
Jen M.
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