It's not about you!
A friend of mine recently recommended a movie to me and followed it by saying, "I can see you blogging about it."
You were right QL - and here is the blog.
It has actually been a few weeks now since seeing the movie, and the blog has been sitting on my mental back-burner since then - and with the holidays upon us, I think the timing is perfect.
The movie is "Lars and the Real Girl," starring Ryan Gosling. It's a small movie with a quirky story - but the moral of the story is HUGE.
Lars seems to be a pretty normal young guy, but it becomes clear he is holding on to some pretty severe emotional baggage. This culminates with him purchasing a life-size and life-like female doll that he proceeds to talk to and treat as his real girlfriend. Needless to say, his remaining family and small town neighbors are a little confused, shocked, and afraid.
So what do they do?
On the advice of the town's family physician/therapist - they are encouraged to go along with Lars in treating his new "girlfriend" (Bianca) as a real person. As the therapist explains, it doesn't matter what the rest of us thinks, Bianca is real to Lars - so that is all that matters.
Easier said than done.
The movie balances the warmth, compassion, and humor that the townspeople rally and go to in order to support Lars in accepting Bianca as a member of the community. My favorite scene involves Lars coming home from work and wanting to spend some time with Bianca, but when he gets home one of his neighbors is dressing her to go out. Frustrated at her now busy schedule, Lars is told by a neighbor that Bianca has been voted on to the school's PTA Board.
Do you see what is going on here?
It's not about you!
The townspeople figured it out that it wasn't about them either. It was about Lars.
In the film, Lars' brother struggles the most with going along with the charade. At one point he ridicules him for believing that the doll is real - but Lars goes on like he never hears him.
It's not about you.
How often do we really express true empathy? I am talking 100% unconditional empathy. Supporting someone and their beliefs - whether you agree with them or not - and whether or not they sound or look "a little crazy."
We like to correct, combat, and fix!
That's what most of us do best. When we see someone doing or believing something "wrong," we try to correct them. If it doesn't match up with our beliefs - we try to convince them. Yes, our intentions are often good (most of the time) - but we have a hard time accepting people for where they are.
As a parent - this lesson gets thrown back in my face all of the time. Trying to "teach" my 5-year old daughter how to do something gets met with resistance and frustration on her part. She doesn't want to be "taught," but rather understood for where she is. I am starting to get that.
My wife recently shared a quote with me from a life learning magazine she was reading. I think this quote represents what true empathy is all about. The quote is from Naomi Aldort:
"How do you know what to expect at each age? My answer is: Observe. What the child is doing is the living evidence of what she should be doing. It is the same as for you. You are doing your best all the time and any external attempt to change you only gets in the way. Your child is rushing as fast as she can to becoming an adult. When someone runs as fast as they possibly can, a push will only cause him to fall."
Wow! How often have I found myself pushing - instead of supporting or encouraging? That is kind of humbling.
It's not about you!
Empathy is the ability to accept someone for who they are - and "stand beside" them - not get in front of them. With the holidays approaching - many of us will be traveling and spending lots of time with family. This can be a good thing - but it can also be a frustrating experience when we are thrust back into relationships that never seem to change. It is hard not to take on these relationships strategically and figure out how to "fix" them, or finally convince so and so that they just don't get it?
You can't. It's not about you!
What you can do is love them. Love them for who they are - and love them for what they are. Relax, and go into the relationship celebrating all the good they express - and try to let the other stuff go. It can sound easier than it is - but as soon as we accept them for all of their wonderful individuality (one way to spin it) - and stop feeling like we need something from them - we can just enjoy the time "being" with them.
Isn't that what it is all about?
I know I have a ways to go - but my kids give me daily opportunities to put empathy to use. Trying to convince a 3 or 5-year old that monsters don't exist is pointless - but having the patience and compassion to let them know that their fear is understood - I am confident they will figure out the rest.
There is a whole other blog bubbling up because of this topic - but I will save it for another time - maybe next year ;)
Happy Holidays everyone - and remember - if one of your family members gets a life-like doll for Christmas...
It's not about you :)
Much love,
Travis
561.676.4583
You were right QL - and here is the blog.
It has actually been a few weeks now since seeing the movie, and the blog has been sitting on my mental back-burner since then - and with the holidays upon us, I think the timing is perfect.
The movie is "Lars and the Real Girl," starring Ryan Gosling. It's a small movie with a quirky story - but the moral of the story is HUGE.
Lars seems to be a pretty normal young guy, but it becomes clear he is holding on to some pretty severe emotional baggage. This culminates with him purchasing a life-size and life-like female doll that he proceeds to talk to and treat as his real girlfriend. Needless to say, his remaining family and small town neighbors are a little confused, shocked, and afraid.
So what do they do?
On the advice of the town's family physician/therapist - they are encouraged to go along with Lars in treating his new "girlfriend" (Bianca) as a real person. As the therapist explains, it doesn't matter what the rest of us thinks, Bianca is real to Lars - so that is all that matters.
Easier said than done.
The movie balances the warmth, compassion, and humor that the townspeople rally and go to in order to support Lars in accepting Bianca as a member of the community. My favorite scene involves Lars coming home from work and wanting to spend some time with Bianca, but when he gets home one of his neighbors is dressing her to go out. Frustrated at her now busy schedule, Lars is told by a neighbor that Bianca has been voted on to the school's PTA Board.
Do you see what is going on here?
It's not about you!
The townspeople figured it out that it wasn't about them either. It was about Lars.
In the film, Lars' brother struggles the most with going along with the charade. At one point he ridicules him for believing that the doll is real - but Lars goes on like he never hears him.
It's not about you.
How often do we really express true empathy? I am talking 100% unconditional empathy. Supporting someone and their beliefs - whether you agree with them or not - and whether or not they sound or look "a little crazy."
We like to correct, combat, and fix!
That's what most of us do best. When we see someone doing or believing something "wrong," we try to correct them. If it doesn't match up with our beliefs - we try to convince them. Yes, our intentions are often good (most of the time) - but we have a hard time accepting people for where they are.
As a parent - this lesson gets thrown back in my face all of the time. Trying to "teach" my 5-year old daughter how to do something gets met with resistance and frustration on her part. She doesn't want to be "taught," but rather understood for where she is. I am starting to get that.
My wife recently shared a quote with me from a life learning magazine she was reading. I think this quote represents what true empathy is all about. The quote is from Naomi Aldort:
"How do you know what to expect at each age? My answer is: Observe. What the child is doing is the living evidence of what she should be doing. It is the same as for you. You are doing your best all the time and any external attempt to change you only gets in the way. Your child is rushing as fast as she can to becoming an adult. When someone runs as fast as they possibly can, a push will only cause him to fall."
Wow! How often have I found myself pushing - instead of supporting or encouraging? That is kind of humbling.
It's not about you!
Empathy is the ability to accept someone for who they are - and "stand beside" them - not get in front of them. With the holidays approaching - many of us will be traveling and spending lots of time with family. This can be a good thing - but it can also be a frustrating experience when we are thrust back into relationships that never seem to change. It is hard not to take on these relationships strategically and figure out how to "fix" them, or finally convince so and so that they just don't get it?
You can't. It's not about you!
What you can do is love them. Love them for who they are - and love them for what they are. Relax, and go into the relationship celebrating all the good they express - and try to let the other stuff go. It can sound easier than it is - but as soon as we accept them for all of their wonderful individuality (one way to spin it) - and stop feeling like we need something from them - we can just enjoy the time "being" with them.
Isn't that what it is all about?
I know I have a ways to go - but my kids give me daily opportunities to put empathy to use. Trying to convince a 3 or 5-year old that monsters don't exist is pointless - but having the patience and compassion to let them know that their fear is understood - I am confident they will figure out the rest.
There is a whole other blog bubbling up because of this topic - but I will save it for another time - maybe next year ;)
Happy Holidays everyone - and remember - if one of your family members gets a life-like doll for Christmas...
It's not about you :)
Much love,
Travis
561.676.4583
Labels: direct life coaching, empathy, Lars and the real girl, self-help, travis thomas
