Direct Life Coaching

Recently my wife and I got settled in to a new home. When it comes to having a harmonious relationship with my wife - I have no complaints. Yet, when there have been times when things aren't clicking the way they should, I have often asked myself the question, "why?"

Over the past year, when my wife and I have had a riff, or an argument, or we're annoyed with one another - once the dust has settled I have tried to look back and figure out what happened.

I think I figured it out!

Stay with me - I am a pretty simple guy, and I think I have found the simple solution, and it looks like this:

When our relationship is working it is because we are in a spirit of "cooperation" with one another. When it is not working, it is because at least one (maybe both) of us is in a mode of "competition."

That's it!

Peace and Harmony = COOPERATION
Combatative and Annoyed = COMPETITION

Case in point. I was left in charge of unpacking and organizing one room in our new place. As I started to unbox everything I got overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do with everything. Plus, my wife had already begun to organize everything in a specific way, but I didn't know the system. I felt flustered, anxious, and helpless. I pictured myself collapsing into the pile of things and making agonizing "stuff" angels. Calgon take me away!

By the time my wife came in to check my progress I had already passed my breaking point. It didn't take much before I focused all of my frustration on her, blamed her for my plight, and behaved so embarrasingly immature that I humiliated myself. Yeah, it was pretty sad.

Once I got some distance from my tamtrum, I asked myself the question, "What happened?" The answer was clear. All of this moving my wife and I had done, as soon as I had a project that wasn't going well, I looked for a scapegoat. Instead of asking my wife for help, and treating the project as a cooperation - I mentally turned her into the enemey. In doing so I tried to make a case for myself of how this was unfair, and comparring the amount of work we were each doing. I was making lists in my head of who has done what, and trying to convince myself that my behavioir was justified. I was viewing our relationship as a competition that somehow involved a scoreboard of "who" and "how much" each person does.

Either way, I was still the loser.

Once I got my head out of my...well...you know...I apologized and explained myself to my wife - who graciously accepted my apology. As I moved forward I couldn't help thinking how simple this concept of cooperation vs. competition really is.

To put it this way, when we are in a mode of cooperation - we are actually thinking: "What can I GIVE in this situation?"

When we are in a mode of competition, we are thinking: "What can I GET in this situation?"

Cooperation vs. Competition is the same as Giving vs. Getting.

If I look back at all of the speed bumps in my marriage - I can honestly say it is because one or both of us were competiting. We might compete over who does the most housework, or who has more responsibility with the kids, or who spends the most money?

When one person feels this way, it is difficult for the other person not to be offended and get on the defensive. When the other person jumps into the fight, it becomes a trial of who does the most? Or, who neglects the other? Or, who gives the most love?

Yeah, it can be pretty ugly.

Now, think of your relationships when things are perfect. When there is harmony and peace. For me, that is when both of us are appreciating one another, or going out of our way to help the other person out. It also means that you or your partner are not feeling "needy" or "left out." Both of you are in a mode of giving, not getting, so your focus, attention, and love is on the other person - not yourself.

Think of any relationship in your life - and is it good or bad? Either way, I truly believe you can narrow it down to whether or not your relationship with that person (or thing) is in cooperation or competition. As I think about all the things in my life that I am in relationship with - this idea works. Think of your relationship to your friends, family members, or co-workers - it works. Now, think of your relationship to your health, or the enviornment...

The idea still works!

So, when you are feeling inharmony in a relationship - maybe it is as easy as making a simple shift in attitude. Maybe you can talk to the other person and see if they are interested in agreeing to a "Non-compete clause."

And you thought those contracts were just for the business world ;)

Have a great day everyone!

Much love,

Travis
561.676.4583

Labels: counseling, life coaching Travis Thomas, non-compete clause, relationships, self-help, therapy, travis thomas

How well do you handle disappointment?

Come on, be honest. It's not like you can't relate. Who hasn't dealt with their fair share of things not working out the way they would have liked? If this doesn't apply to you - give me a call :)

When I think about the growth I am making in my life, this is one of the most important questions I ask myself. It is kind of my barometer of checking how well I am really coming along.

Mainly, when disappointment comes - what are my initial thoughts? Are they angry, frustrated, anxious, stressed? Or, are they calm, peaceful, understanding, and joyful? Joy...yeah, can you believe that one?

So today - when I got that call I didn't want to get, and there was disappointment on the other side - how did I do?

First of all, while I was on the actual call, I noticed my stomach was nervous. My heart was beating. I was able to observe this happening, which was a little discouraging because my goal was to not be so attached to the outcome. My body was telling me I was very attached to the results. The reason this is my goal is because I am working at becoming less attached to how "I think" things should work out, and instead, find the ability to express joy and peace no matter the result.

When I got the news I didn't want to hear today - it put me on a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts for the rest of the day. At some points I was keeping everything in perspective - while at others I was letting my ego run wild with feeling like a victim, and just sad and discouraged.

I kept thinking about a quote a friend of mine sent me a few months ago. It is an anecdote relayed in one of Rumi's poems, translated by Coleman Barks. A sheik was asked once what the true meaning of Sufism was, "It is the feeling of joy when sudden disappointment comes!"

There you have it. That is the game I am playing - being aware of my level of joy when sudden disappointment comes. It came today - and my immediately feeling was not joy. But, and this is a big BUT - I knew it should be. For me, that is progress. Sure, my ego ran wild during the day feeling wronged, afraid, and walked on - but I knew it was those thoughts keeping my from joy.

Why joy? Because I honestly feel that I am living my life in a way where I am doing the best I can, and listening to make the best decisions possible. I wake up everyday and I pray and listen and follow. This is a daily active commitment - and I trust the results - even when I don't like them.

A few months ago I started a new daily commitment of getting real quiet and still - doing some deep prayerful listening - and then writing. Not thinking about it - just writing. You can sort of call it a dictation from my inner spiritual thoughts. So, here is my dictation from a few days ago - and it really resonated once I went back and reread it today.

Quick explanation - when I refer to "Travis," I am referring to myself when I am guided by ego-driven thoughts. I don't see this as my true self. So, here you go:

Wednesday, May 27th

There are two roads that ultimately lead to the same place. The first road is called "Your opinion," and the second road is called "The way it is." There is peace to be found on both roads, but only one of the roads brings lasting peace - and knowing which road that provides this is pretty obvious. So why is it that we continue to map our path down the road of "Your opinion?"

Travis somehow gets tricked into feeling that "Your opinion" provides opportunities for him to steer God in the direction that is best for Travis. There are two stupid assumptions here. 1) Travis knows what is best for him. 2) God does not.

How does Travis allow himself to get tricked into this reasoning time and time again? Travis quickly forgets that where he is right now is the result of traveling down "The way it is." He likes to look back and think that his path is the result of his awesome driving on the road of "Your opinion," or worse, he looks back in regret at what terrible decisions he has made in the past. Either way, he fools himself into thinking that where he sits right now is his doing.

The real me (the real Travis) is patient. Not patient from the standpoint of "waiting" for Travis to get a clue, but patient from the standpoint of knowing that Travis' growth has no outcome on the path of reality. In fact, I am fine with Travis going his whole life trying to drive on "your opinion," because the choices he makes don't add up to anything in the end anyway - they are just illusion. It reminds him of 4 year old Holland sitting at race car video game thinking that he is playing, when in fact there is no money in the machine. He grips the wheel and watches the action in front of him convinced he is actually making an impact - but nothing he does has any effect on the game. He doesn't know any different, and when he get up from his seat, he is convinced he has won. Yet, not a single thing made any difference on the result. Ouch, that is kind of hitting home right now.

So, on the road of "your opinion" there are major ups and downs, highs and lows, pride and envy, pushing and pulling, wrestling and sweating, struggling, fighting, stressing, worrying, doubting, questioning, waiting, hating, losing, winning, losing again, failing, dying, crawling, battling, and eventually, after it all - there is finally - ENDING. The road of "your opinion" comes to an end, but where do you find yoursef...

On an on ramp to the road of "What is."

After all of the effort and toil and time spent on "Your opinion," you find yourself naked, vulnerable, stripped clean, and FREE on the road of "What is." On the road of "What is" there is only peace and joy. Every moment is the perfect moment - not because it is what you wanted, but because it is what God unfolded. Is there any need for further debate? On the road of "What is" there is no ego, doubt, or fear - because there is no "dream job," "Ideal ending," "best case scenario," "dream guy/girl," or even "perfect solution." Every unfolded moment is perfection is motion, Nature pulling back another petal, harmony expressed. On the road of "What is" there are no delayed flights or "running late," because there are no time constraints to butt up against. Every moment is what it is supposed to be, and our only role is to participate in each moment with grace, love, and humility. By expressing these three qualities we bring ourselves into alignment with the oneness of the whole moment. We are not "in the moment" - because we are actually part of the moment. We are one piece of the symphonic puzzle all working in concert with one another, yet we are not separate from any of the other pieces. We are all interconnected, joined in unity and harmony, so it is senseless to try to question our role in the whole. It is only by questioning and attempting to control - that we separate ourselves from the peace of "what is," and fall back to the chaos and disappointment of "your opinion."

There are two roads, they both lead to the same place, yet one road only begins, when the other road ends.


That is how I am handling disappointment.

Have a great day!

Much love - Travis

Labels: direct life coaching, poetry, Rumi, self-help, Sufism, two roads

I was talking to a friend of mine recently about buying quality items instead of always buying the cheapest option. I am big fan of "a good deal," but I have also been burned when trying to cut corners too closely. My friend shared with me some advice a mentor shared with him, "Buy cheap. Buy twice." (Thanks Dave J.)

I like that. It is resonating with me on lots of different levels right now.

For the past few months I have been the assistant basketball coach for a boys high school team. I use the word "coach" loosely due to my lack of basketball knowledge. It has been a humbling opportunity for me to take on a new challenge that I have very little expertise in - so I guess I needed a dose of more humility ;)

It's a great bunch of kids. My relationship with them isn't so much the basketball side of things as much as it is noticing their mental approach and overall attitude to their performance. I admit, it has been frustrating at times. I wish I could be contributing more, but I have tried to pick and choose my spots when I can talk with the kids more 1 on 1.

Our record right now is 5-4, and there have been a couple games that could of gone either way. In thinking of the outcomes of these games, I thought of my friends quote, "Buy cheap. Buy twice." For my purposes, I have adjusted the quote to read,

"Start wrong. Start twice."

There have been a few games that we have started awfully. Games we had no reason winning, yet we would find a way to battle back. Just when we get back into the game, we would find away to give away. On the flip-side, their have been games that we have started well, suffered a let-down along the way, yet still managed to pull out the victory in the end.

So, the way we start the game has been important. If we can start the game on a good foot, doing things the right way, and laying a solid foundation for our play - it seems easier to get back to that play when things go bad. Conversely, when we crawl out of the gate with a bad start, no matter how hard we battle - closing the deal is a lot tougher.

So, it seems to be a case of in order to be successful - make sure you have a good start.

To expand this analogy a little larger, I think this approach holds true to most things in life. A relationship that begins with a solid foundation has a much better chance of surviving when things get tough, compared to a relationship that begins under questionable circumstances.

Being it's the new year, many of us commit to things we want to improve in our lives, yet the success of these changes often goes back to how closely these changes really connect to our core. For me, whether talking about basketball, relationships, career, or hobbies - the most important aspect of its success is based on our motives.

A mentor of mine, Mary Baker Eddy writes, "To begin rightly is to end rightly."

If your motives for doing something are pure, inspired, and connected to your highest sense of right - the end result will reflect these qualities. It doesn't mean the end result will always manifest what we want to happen, but it will definitely represent growth and progress that we can build from. Growth in the right direction.

If you find yourself taking something on that really doesn't have the best motives - be prepared to start twice. Man oh man - could I write a book on these lessons!!! For now I will keep it to a blog ;)

I hear people all of the time (sometimes myself included) talk about how they just keep trying and trying to make things better - yet the end result is always the same. Some people might call that effort perseverance, yet Einstein called it insanity. He writes,

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I can relate to that. If you were a golfer and you were working on your swing, improvement is more than repetition. You want to introduce repetition once you start doing something right, yet how many of us think that if we just keep knocking on the same doors, practicing the same routine, or believing the same beliefs - that eventually all will work out? Well, that's kind of insane.

Start wrong - start twice...three times...four times...five...six...seven...eight...

It doesn't matter. As long as our motives and foundation are off center - we will be doing a lot of restarting. For me, I am sure I have been pretty insane over the past few years. When it comes to some things, I have definitely caught myself thinking that if I just keep doing what I am doing - the same way - it will eventually work out. As for my motives, those haven't changed - I am sticking with them - but a whole lot of humility and self-reflection has given me the ability to be open to new approaches and solutions. I am still a work in progress.

What about you? Are you feeling insane? Do you feel like you are banging your head against the wall - or feeling like the results always come out the same?

If so, be real honest with yourself and think about how you are starting. What are your motives? Are they connected to your center - your highest sense of right? If you are a real honest with yourself - you might only have to start twice. If you're not honest - people might start to think you're crazy.

And, if you are just not sure - give me a call - and I will help you make sure you are beginning rightly.

The end result is worth it.

Much love!

Travis
561.676.4583

Labels: Albert Einstein, direct life coaching, life coaching Travis Thomas, mary baker eddy, Science and Health, self-help

I spent about 10 days home in Flint, MI over the holidays. I don't know where you are from, or where you call home, but Flint, MI is my home. I have lived in St. Louis, Boston, and Palm Beach over the past 15 years, but whenever someone asks me "where I am from," the answer is always Flint.

If you are from Flint but have lived elsewhere, you are familiar with the opinions or associations people have when you mention Flint. They either know Flint because of the documentary "Roger and Me" by Michael Moore or they have heard Flint mentioned in the statistics as one of the most violent places to live in the country. Neither option is necessarily too appealing.

For me, growing up in Flint was nothing but good. If Norman Rockwell would have painted his pictures in the 1980's, my childhood would of captured it perfectly. I had amazing neighborhood friends, and we would spend our days riding our bikes to 7-11 (I had a Slurpee fetish) or Dairy Queen. Then we would spend hours playing baseball, soccer, football, street hockey, and basketball - and when it got dark we switched to "Kick the Can" or "Hide and Go Seek." We never had a shortage of things to do, and we always felt safe.

I felt especially close to Flint because my dad owned (and still does) a chain of fast-food hamburger restaurants called Halo Burger. They are a Flint staple to this day, so I had a tremendous amount of pride growing up with that heritage. It is a family owned and operated business, and there are still employees working there who have been doing so for 30+ years in some cases. It is not glamorous work, but these are good people who care about what they do.

For the past 20 or so years is when Flint really began to have its image tarnished. When General Motors started having hard times it inevitably hurt the whole city. A town built around one company had no choice but to ebb and flow with its successes and hardships. To me, this is the biggest problem with being so dependent on one company. If you take away General Motors from Flint, what is left? I am sure this is the same story that could be told for towns built around coal mines or steel mills, shipping yards, or Silicon Valley.

It is sad. There is no other way to express my general overall feeling when I am in town. General Motors continues to pull out a little more each year. The recent struggles of the "big three" can't be felt much larger than in Flint. The trouble is, this has been happening for 20+ years, and the town keeps trying to stick fingers in the splitting damn, but the result seems inevitable.

I hope I am wrong.

I don't write this blog today to be grim, but rather to challenge people in Flint to go a little deeper. Each day when I pray I start with the idea of wholeness for myself, others, and the world. The challenge for me every time I am in Flint is to see the wholeness of the city. But, while in town this holiday break I was reading Wayne Dyer's new book, and in one of his chapters he challenges the reader to "see the perfection in imperfection." Okay, how do I do that?

Dyer writes,

"You're being asked not to label what you see as imperfect, stupid, or empty; rather look for the stillness and tranquility within you that you can bring to these superficial appearances. When you refrain from engaging in judgments based solely on looks, you paradoxically become an instrument for change."

He then adds, "See imperfections as perfect, even if your ego-mind cannot comprehend this."

So that is exactly what I tried to do. After reading this chapter I had to drive into downtown Flint for church. I was by myself so I had time to focus and just really pay attention to everything I was seeing. On the surface, it wasn't a pretty site. Boarded up houses, closed factories, and beat up storefronts. I was having a real hard time seeing any perfection in these surroundings. Actually, I couldn't find any. My ego-mind definitely could not comprehend this.

Then, while driving through town I thought about all of the people I know who still live in Flint. These are good people - GOOD people. There are life-long friends still there working and raising their families. I have relatives who have spent their entire lives in the area. I thought about all of the people who work at Halo Burger - and how amazing some of these people are. I thought about people I know who could live elsewhere, but have chosen to stay to try to improve the conditions in the city. I thought about Courtney Hawkins, who grew up in Flint and then went on to play in the NFL for many years. He could live in luxury anywhere in the world, yet he chose to come back to Flint with his wife to coach football at his old high school. A school and neighborhood that would rival some third world living conditions.

Despite its economic depravity and gritty imperfection - there is a whole lot of beauty and perfection in the people who make up Flint. My hope is that the people and the city take the current situation as an opportunity to expand their tents, instead of holding on to yesterday. If GM is the parent who raised the city, the city now needs to step out and be its own person. I am not saying to give up on GM turning their success around and contributing to the well-being of Flint, but I think it is time Flint embraces this moment to come out of the GM shadow.

How does the city do this? I don't know, but I know there are good people who can make it happen. The perfection of the city is found in the people. In the people there is hope, intelligence, creativity, strength, and persistence. The challenge may seem daunting, but it only takes one person at a time giving their consent to become an instrument of change. I requires people looking at the situation honestly and humbly, and then being able to make the scary choice. Real change is seldom easy.

This is not a typical blog for me, but I really felt inspired from my most recent trip home. Over the years I have bought into the stories of Flint, and have even been embarrassed telling people where I am from. But no more. You see, whether talking about a city or our own individual lives, there is no difference in how we make a change. Once we identify the problems for what they are, and we agree to take them head on (as ugly as it may get) - improvement is the result. There is no other option.

So, whether you want to talk to me about Flint, or how you can make a change in your own life - give me a call!

Much love!

Travis
561.676.4583

Labels: Courtney Hawkins, Flint, General Motors, halo burger, life coaching Travis Thomas, Michigan, self-help, Wayne Dyer

"There are no insignificant moments!"

If anyone has seen the film or read the book "The Peaceful Warrior," that phrase is probably one you have spent some time thinking about.

Isn't it true?

I got the chance to put that idea into practice this past week on my way home from St. Louis. I had just spent an inspiring two days deepening my spiritual discovery which included viewing the clip from "The Peaceful Warrior" mentioned above.

When I got to my car in Ft. Lauderdale, parked on the top of the long term parking garage, in 91 degree heat - I discovered it was dead. I left the lights on - so the battery was toast! In that moment, for a few seconds - there was some frustration, anger, and a pinch of self-condemnation.

But, I also realized that I had the CHOICE of what I made of the situation. So, instead of staying in a mindset of "whoah is me," I decided to make the best of it.

It only took a few minutes to contact security and let them know I needed help. So, in those few minutes I had to wait for assistance - I decided to stop, listen, and see what was "significant" in this moment.

Meaning, now that I had moved on from the disappointment of being inconvenienced from "my schedule," might I be able to see and appreciate what was going on around me in that moment?

So I tried. There was the parking lot. Nothing too exciting about that. Though, there was a row of beautiful palm trees I hadn't noticed before - which was a stark contrast to all of the concrete. I saw a plane take off from the airport - and I thought about all of the people on the plane and the excitement of going on a journey. I heard birds, felt the heat, and noticed the huge line of taxi's waiting to pick people up.

Hmmm...maybe there was nothing significant after all.

Then, a security guard pulled up in a golf cart realizing he really couldn't help me - so he called the service truck. The man was an older gentleman, Jamaican descent, and had a wise and gentle presence to him. Instead of taking off he decided to stay and keep me company.

After a few minutes of small talk, umprompted, he shared this story with me (and picture the Jamaican accent):

"So there was a man in a village who was really down on his luck. He lost his family, lost his job, and really had no reason to live. He didn't even have any money for food. While walking around he noticed a tall tree. He decided he would end his life by jumping off the top of the tree. As he began climbing the tree he found an old chicken bone. He licked the bone but could find no extra meat or anything on the bone to feed him. So, he dropped it to the bottom of the tree. As he got to the top of the tree, many of the townspeople could now see him toward the top. They gathered at the bottom of the tree to see if he was going to jump. Right when he was about to jump and end his life, he noticed a man at the bottom of the tree picking up the chicken bone he had dropped. The man also tried to lick it clean, but he couldn't find anything either. In that moment, instead of jumping, the man yelled down to the man on the ground, 'Don't move - I'll be right there!' He then climbed back down the tree to help the man."

"So you see," my new Jamaican friend told me, "Even when you think you got it bad - there is always someone who has it worse. So be happy!"

By this time, the service guy had jumped my car with cables, and my car was back to normal. I thanked both men for their help, especially my new friend for staying with me and sharing the story.

As I thought back to the story in my car - I loved that it was the guy in the tree who not only noticed the man worse off than him - but in that instant he let go of his own self-pity to come down from the tree to help the man. I am not sure if that was the moral of the story - but that is what I got from it.

So, in my 15 unplanned extra minutes at the airport parking roof - what did I notice? Well, it reminded me that there are no insignificant moments - and if you stop beating yourself up long enough to notice what is happening around you - you might be able to help someone else in need.

Isn't that what my Jamaican friend did for me?

And for me - it was pretty significant!

Much love,

Travis

Labels: Peaceful Warrior, self-help, travis thomas

I am getting ready to head to the airport for a weekend trip - and I came across a blog I wrote about 4 years ago (not published on my site).

It is fun to look back and see what I was thinking about then - and to see not much has changed :) The experiences may be different - but the focus remains the same...

Get a better understanding of my purpose - and live it as big as I can!

So...I thought I would post that blog here for you all to enjoy - it's called...

"Groovy Spirituality!"

I just recently moved to a new office setting - home - and besides all of the wonderful people I don't get to see anymore, there is another object I really miss.

My disco ball.

Say what?

Yeah, my disco ball. I moved, it stayed behind.

Depending on your generation it may symbolize different memories. It may make you think of John Travolta and bellbottom pants, but for me, it has become my spiritual mantra.

Ain't it funky?

So, how does a disco ball become a spiritual mantra?

Well, if you are like me - you often think to yourself, "What is my purpose?" I mean really, what has God put me on this earth to do?

Don't get me wrong, I don't have too many regrets in life, and I really do have an abundantly blessed life, but I still often catch myself thinking, "What makes me special? What are my talents? What I am really supposed to do with my life?"

These kinds of questions have led to many places for inspiration. Most recently those have included Mark Albion's “Making a Life, Making a Living,” Dan Pink's “Free Agent Nation,” and Mary Baker Eddy's “Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures.”

These books have helped me understand my uniqueness in the world, the talents that only I possess, and the opportunity for me to impact the world by expressing what only I have to offer. (I don't want to sound too special, this applies for you too.)

For example, "Making a Life, Making a Living" showed me real life examples of how people, when putting meaningful priorities in front of them, can achieve unimaginable success. Success not solely based on the bottom line, but success that touches the world in a positive way.

Similarly, "Free Agent Nation" defines a work lifestyle that really resonates with me. A lifestyle that incorporates all aspects of my life, from my personal life to my spirituality. It showed me that I don't need to compartmentalize who I am, but rather, work should be part of the expression of our individuality.

All of these books, in very different, yet similar ways have caused me to look up to a purer and more divine perception of myself.

Looking up also helped me see the disco ball hanging over my head. The disco ball - a collection of hundreds of tiny mirrors fastened together to make one ball. But, if you take one single stream of light - and project it at the ball - the light is reflected in hundreds of different ways. All different, all unique, but all coming from the same source.

Are you seeing where I am going with this?

Do you see why I want to be the disco ball?

If God is that source of light. When I say God, I am envisioning God as a constant source of goodness and love. God as Father and Mother. An ever present supply and creator of inspiration. So, if God is that source - and I am the recipient of that light, it is my opportunity, rather, my responsibility to reflect as much light as possible.

Like a disco ball, if I only express this light in a few different ways - it is not going to have much impact. Basically, there aren't going to be too many people wanting to dance around me.

Can you dig it?

But, if I live a life that tries to express this light and love in as many ways as possible, a life that is a celebration of God's glory, that is a life with impact. A life that touches other people. A life that leaves a mark on the world. A life that represents the allness of God.

Papa's got a brand new bag!

I don't use many big words, but in Science and Health, Mary Baker Eddy has a quote that is just downright groovy. She writes, "The universe of Spirit reflects the creative power of the divine Principle, or Life, which reproduces the multitudinous forms of Mind and governs the multiplication of the compound idea man."

Multitudinous - I probably can't pronounce it, but I know I am trying to live it. I know a disco ball reflects multitudinous light - and I know that I do the same.

I try to do this everyday. I try to do it with the people I come in contact with in the store, my neighbors, my wife. I try to express the multitudinous forms in the number of interests that I have, the kinds of hobbies I explore, and the new ventures I keep an open mind to.

And, I also try to bring this to my career pursuits. Looking back on my work experience to date, I have done so many different kinds of work, yet in each one, it was the opportunity to express my unique individuality that made each one rewarding. Whether it has been teaching, coaching, being on the stage and radio, as well as working in a cubicle farm - each job brought me another opportunity to be that disco ball!

To me, that is a life of purpose and meaning. That is a life that feels like I may have an impact. For me, that is living a life as a disco ball. And I know that there are so many experiences I haven't been exposed to yet, but I will.

So, I know you feel it baby! You can hear the music, you can smell the polyester, and it's time to dance. It's not Saturday Night - but I got the fever! Do you?


Have a great weekend everyone!

Travis
561.676.4583

Labels: dan pink, disco, groovy, mark albion, mary baker eddy, self-help, spirituality

People love their opinions. I know I have them.

Better yet - almost better than having them - we love to share them with anyone who will listen (and those who don't as well).

"Well, I guess I'll put my two cents in!"

Now, I understand. Not only do we have opinions, the reason we often want to share them is because we think they will be helpful (so we think). "So, whether you asked for it or not - here is my opinion - and you might want to listen - because I know what I am talking about."

Isn't this the reason for talk radio...editorials...and better yet...

BLOGS!

Yikes!

Here's the thing we should not forget - when someone offers their "two cents," remember - IT'S ONLY TWO CENTS!

But we rarely value our own opinion as just two cents - often mistaking our thoughts as being worth much more than pennies. So, instead of sharing "Here is what I would do," we quickly jump into, "Here is what you SHOULD do!"

Recently someone gave me a quote that has stuck with me - and I try to keep it front of mind whenever I am about to share my 'two cents' - and the quote is -

"Don't 'should' on me!"

Honestly, who wants to be 'should' on?

Whenever you are in a conversation and someone starts telling you what you 'should' do - how does that make you feel? Were you even asking for a solution?

In all fairness - it is an easy rut to fall into. Why? Because we have grown up in a society that loves to fix.

You got a problem? I can fix it!!!! And here's what you 'should" do!

Whether it is your spouse, kids, friends - or sometimes the stranger off the street - if we here a problem - we quickly add a solution.

But, is this really what the person is ultimately looking for? Think back to a time when you unloaded some feelings on someone. What were you really looking to do? Have your feelings or problem fixed - or be heard and understood?

I am betting it was probably the latter. So, the question is - did you feel that way after your interaction?

Did you feel like this person really tried to understand how and what you were feeling - or did they go into fix mode and "should" on you?

This is a tricky, tricky thing - and not something I can get into too much in a single blog - but I wanted to put it out there as something to think about.

If you truly care about a person - and they are coming to you to share some things they are really thinking or struggling with - might they be looking for a solution from you - or perhaps are they just really seeking to be heard and understood?

The truth is - when we are dealing with something difficult - we often know in our heart what we need to do - but it doesn't mean it is the easy thing to do. We struggle with it, we even fight it, and often times we commiserate with others how difficult or unfair the situation is - but deep down inside - we know what the right thing to do is.

So, when we do open up to someone - we don't want to be 'should' upon - we want to feel heard, supported, understood, and loved!

Yes, the temptation for the other person is to "fix," but if we can just resist the urge - and seek to understand more clearly what the other person is feeling (regardless of our personal opinions) - you allow them to explore deeper and get clearer on what it is exactly they are feeling - and what they need to do. By doing this - we allow them to better understand themself.

Now, I am not going to say you 'should' try this next time the opportunity arises - but I dare you to!

Those are just my two cents - and they really are just two cents :)

Much love,

Travis

PS - Get coached this week - give me a call! 561.676.4583
travis@directlifecoach.com

Labels: direct life coaching, life coaching, listening, self-help, travis thomas

On the vanity mirror in the bathroom I wrote the following on the glass with a dry-erase marker, "Today is a classroom - what are you going to learn?"

On most days the lesson I continue to learn is that I still need more patience. FYI - my kids are excellent teachers. They know how to further my education on a daily basis ;)

The truth is - there is a lesson to be learned everyday - so what are we learning?

I called a friend on the phone last week to see how his day was going. There was a short pause - and then he replied that it was "one of those days." I remarked that it sounded like one of those "learning days," and he agreed. Apparently there was a whole lot of learning going on.

When you think about that a little more - doesn't it make the trials and surprises not so bad? In truth - they are unforeseen (or foreseen) experiences that create a learning experience. At the end of the day...

What did you learn?

I spoke to another family member recently who was thinking heavily about something, and I asked the same question, "What did you learn?" Once we were able to detach our personal ego and feelings from the experience, and look at it from a perspective of growth and learning - there was a whole lot of new insight to move forward with.

Isn't that the point? To keep growing, keep learning, and move out of our comfort zones into spaces where we are forced to learn?

I am going to butcher a great quote, but someone once said something along these lines, "That a sea captain never learns a thing on calm waters." You get the point.

On the contrary - most of us walk around with the "history of our life" under our arms - and we use it as an almanac of "why I am the way I am." Instead of using past experiences as learning moments - we carry them around as evidence to justify why we aren't living a better life. Instead of seeing the positive in what we learned - we dwell on the negative of having to go through the experience.

Think back to last week, last year, or 10 years ago. What are the days or events that stick out most? Were they the days when everything went as planned - or might they have been times when you felt vulnerable, exposed, and surprised? And, if that was the case - what did the end result end up being? How much did you grow as a result? Would you be willing to trade that growth and experience in for "smooth sailing?"

Here is another question. If you are smooth sailing through life - where are you going?

Hmmmmmmmm....

In my last blog I put it out there to everyone that '08 was the year to be bigger! Within 24 hours of that blog I had three different conversations and business meetings with people wanting to play a bigger game this coming year. With each conversation - I remember feeling excited - yet uneasy and vulnerable at the same time! This wasn't because these opportunities felt bad - but because I know they are going to push me to grow in new and scary ways. Sign me up!

So, be careful what you visualize for ;)

If you need help in playing a bigger game in '08 - my first meeting is always on the house :)

Much love,

Travis

FYI - the Leading with Mastery course taught and created by Sandy Wilder is coming to South Florida in May. This is the course I have attended, and have also served in an assistant role on two other occasions. If you are at all interested, we are needing to solidify enrollment ASAP. Call me at 561.676.4583 or e-mail travis@directlifecoach.com

Labels: direct life coaching, happiness, learning, self-help

Happy 2008 everyone!

I thought I would start off the new year talking about Michael J. Fox, De Lorean's, and Flex Capacitor's!

Well, maybe not.

Instead, take a moment to look back to where you were a year ago. January 2007 - what goals did you have for the coming year? Did you make any resolutions?

How did you do?

Also, what fears did you have? What were you nervous about? What happened?

Guess what! It's 2008 - you made it through the year. Seriously, you are here right now - you are alive - and whatever fear you had last year, last week, or five minutes ago - you are here right now - and you have what you need to be successful.

Oscar winning legend Anthony Hopkins appeared on "Inside the Actor's Studio" awhile back, and he had this to say. Now, I am not sure if this quote was his own creation, but nevertheless, I love it:

"Today is the tomorrow you feared yesterday."

So, what were those fears again? Hey, you made it!!!!

Okay, here we are - two days into 2008 - so where do you want to go?

2008 is the year of being BIG!!

(not physically - that's a different resolution)

You are big! We are ALL big! So, how big do you want to be in 2008?

Here is some help. Try this:

1) Write down three things in your personal life you want to accomplish by the end of the year.

2) Think about something you can do today to put you on the path of accomplishing those goals.

3) Do that one thing.

Even if the step is small - it is a step in the right direction. After you have taken a few steps in that direction - then you can let the momentum kick in - and the strides on that path will get wider and swifter.

Here is something else you can do. Think about one thing you can do on a daily basis that would improve the overall happiness and fulfillment in your life. One thing. What is it?

I am talking about something that can be done everyday, no matter where you are - and doesn't even necessarily take a lot of time. It might be push-ups and sit-ups, reading inspirational literature, prayer, time with your kids or spouse, or journaling.

One thing - one commitment to a better you.

It might sound like a small step - but it is one step in the right direction to a big game!

Are you up for it?

Are you a player - or a spectator?

If you are tired of watching from the sidelines - or you need a positive boost to help you along the path - just drop me a line.

Much love,

Travis
travis@directlifecoach.com
561.676.4583

Labels: goal setting, life coaching, resolutions, self-help, travis thomas

A friend of mine recently recommended a movie to me and followed it by saying, "I can see you blogging about it."

You were right QL - and here is the blog.

It has actually been a few weeks now since seeing the movie, and the blog has been sitting on my mental back-burner since then - and with the holidays upon us, I think the timing is perfect.

The movie is "Lars and the Real Girl," starring Ryan Gosling. It's a small movie with a quirky story - but the moral of the story is HUGE.

Lars seems to be a pretty normal young guy, but it becomes clear he is holding on to some pretty severe emotional baggage. This culminates with him purchasing a life-size and life-like female doll that he proceeds to talk to and treat as his real girlfriend. Needless to say, his remaining family and small town neighbors are a little confused, shocked, and afraid.

So what do they do?

On the advice of the town's family physician/therapist - they are encouraged to go along with Lars in treating his new "girlfriend" (Bianca) as a real person. As the therapist explains, it doesn't matter what the rest of us thinks, Bianca is real to Lars - so that is all that matters.

Easier said than done.

The movie balances the warmth, compassion, and humor that the townspeople rally and go to in order to support Lars in accepting Bianca as a member of the community. My favorite scene involves Lars coming home from work and wanting to spend some time with Bianca, but when he gets home one of his neighbors is dressing her to go out. Frustrated at her now busy schedule, Lars is told by a neighbor that Bianca has been voted on to the school's PTA Board.

Do you see what is going on here?

It's not about you!

The townspeople figured it out that it wasn't about them either. It was about Lars.

In the film, Lars' brother struggles the most with going along with the charade. At one point he ridicules him for believing that the doll is real - but Lars goes on like he never hears him.

It's not about you.

How often do we really express true empathy? I am talking 100% unconditional empathy. Supporting someone and their beliefs - whether you agree with them or not - and whether or not they sound or look "a little crazy."

We like to correct, combat, and fix!

That's what most of us do best. When we see someone doing or believing something "wrong," we try to correct them. If it doesn't match up with our beliefs - we try to convince them. Yes, our intentions are often good (most of the time) - but we have a hard time accepting people for where they are.

As a parent - this lesson gets thrown back in my face all of the time. Trying to "teach" my 5-year old daughter how to do something gets met with resistance and frustration on her part. She doesn't want to be "taught," but rather understood for where she is. I am starting to get that.

My wife recently shared a quote with me from a life learning magazine she was reading. I think this quote represents what true empathy is all about. The quote is from Naomi Aldort:

"How do you know what to expect at each age? My answer is: Observe. What the child is doing is the living evidence of what she should be doing. It is the same as for you. You are doing your best all the time and any external attempt to change you only gets in the way. Your child is rushing as fast as she can to becoming an adult. When someone runs as fast as they possibly can, a push will only cause him to fall."

Wow! How often have I found myself pushing - instead of supporting or encouraging? That is kind of humbling.

It's not about you!

Empathy is the ability to accept someone for who they are - and "stand beside" them - not get in front of them. With the holidays approaching - many of us will be traveling and spending lots of time with family. This can be a good thing - but it can also be a frustrating experience when we are thrust back into relationships that never seem to change. It is hard not to take on these relationships strategically and figure out how to "fix" them, or finally convince so and so that they just don't get it?

You can't. It's not about you!

What you can do is love them. Love them for who they are - and love them for what they are. Relax, and go into the relationship celebrating all the good they express - and try to let the other stuff go. It can sound easier than it is - but as soon as we accept them for all of their wonderful individuality (one way to spin it) - and stop feeling like we need something from them - we can just enjoy the time "being" with them.

Isn't that what it is all about?

I know I have a ways to go - but my kids give me daily opportunities to put empathy to use. Trying to convince a 3 or 5-year old that monsters don't exist is pointless - but having the patience and compassion to let them know that their fear is understood - I am confident they will figure out the rest.

There is a whole other blog bubbling up because of this topic - but I will save it for another time - maybe next year ;)

Happy Holidays everyone - and remember - if one of your family members gets a life-like doll for Christmas...

It's not about you :)

Much love,

Travis
561.676.4583

Labels: direct life coaching, empathy, Lars and the real girl, self-help, travis thomas

Anyone who has a child, or has had to ride in the car with a child 3 years of age or older, knows that it takes less than 10 minutes into the trip before the child will ask,

"Are we there yet?"

I have never traveled with kids from another culture, but I am pretty sure no matter what language they speak - they know how to say, "Are we there yet?"

As a parent myself, this has been very frustrating.

"Why can't you just be patient?"

What is it about kids that need to know what is next? What are we going to do now? What are we doing in the morning?

And, can they not trust their mom and I have their best interests in mind - and that we will actually take care of their needs?

"Daaaaaaaad...are we there yet?"

And even more, what is the actual age when they quit asking?

Well, a little thought dawned on me the other day. I was running around or doing some errands...and here are some of the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head...

* When will I feel secure about my career?
* Where is my next client going to come from?
* How much money do I need to make to feel comfortable?

Then it hit me! Here I am, chastising my own kids and telling them to trust me, yet these are the same questions in my head.

"Are we there yet?"

That is essentially what my fears are asking me?

The idea here is that there is a future destination that makes our fears go away - and once we get there (or achieve a goal), the fear disappears.

Has this ever been the case for you? Does the fear go away?

I doubt it.

Chances are, by the time we get to the destination we are seeking - we have long since projected out our comfort zone to a more distant destination.

When it comes to deferred happiness, or letting our fears dictate our benchmarks - it is a sliding scale.

And guess what, we will never catch up to it.

Instead, maybe we should take our own advice to our kids - and trust that our future, finances, and happiness are actually being taken care of. If we can accept that as truth - than we can also accept that our personal sense of peace and happiness is attainable right now - right here.

Happiness is a choice - not a destination.

You better start practicing your happiness now - or else you won't know what it looks like when you finally reach that goal.

So, how do you practice happiness?

For me, it starts with gratitude. Acknowledging the good already in my life - and letting my actions express this gratitude. If I am truly living gratitude - it means I am showing up happy, compassionate, forgiving, energetic, peaceful, harmonious, etc. And if that is how I am showing up - ta da - it probably means that I am happy.

Mary Baker Eddy in Science and Health captures it a little better when she writes, "In order to apprehend more, we must put into practice what we already know."

Makes sense. If I want to be happy - I need to put happiness into practice and action.

Now, I can easily recognize that the times that I am not feeling this joy - it is because I am being controlled by my fears resulting in asking questions of, "Are we there yet?"

As I have said in my other blogs - this is all pretty simple stuff - just not always easy!

So, the next time you feel yourself asking the question, "Are we there yet?" - remind yourself that the "there" is already "here."

Now live it!

Much love,

Travis

Labels: christian science, inspiration, life coaching, mary baker eddy, self-help, travis thomas

I have been out of my routine this week.

I usually blog on Tuesday before teaching acting class, but since this is Spring Break in Palm Beach, my normal writing time was on hiatus. Even on my runs this week I haven't had that one idea come to me that I want to blog about. There are some random thoughts that keep jumping around in my head, but nothing has surfaced as "the idea" to write about this week. In fact, I was even one paragraph into a blog and I scrapped it - it was getting too jumbled and I had just started, so maybe I will save that thought for another day.

Here I am...Wednesday late night...and as my patient (and pregnant) wife sleeps beside me - I write this trying not to keep her up because of the laptop monitor glow (she's a real sensitive sleeper). So, since there is no cohesive blog to dazzle your intellect, here are some thoughts skipping around in my consciousness...enjoy!

* Do you think Ty Pennington (ABC's Extreme Makeover host) knew that he was going to be a mega-superstar by pursuing his dream as a carpenter? Is it possible that he became a carpenter because he loved it - and what happened as a result is due to the fact that he followed his purpose and passions - without outlining or trying to control the results? And, if Ty never made it as a TV star because of his carpentry - would he still be happy? I think I know the answer ;)

* The Florida Gators basketball team repeated as National Champions this week. They had the exact 5 starters that they had when they won it all last year. When they won their first title last year, many were surprised when a few of their stars decided to forgo the NBA draft to stay in college for another year. I mean really - who could pass up guaranteed millions just to stay in college and not make a dime, all the while risking an injury? Even with the win, experts predict that some of their draft-status may have even dropped by staying an extra year. So my questions is - do you think they are happy they stayed? I think I know the answer ;)

* In a letter to his employees this past November, Whole Foods Market CEO John Mackey notified them that he would no longer be taking a salary as their CEO, stating that, "I am now 53 years old and I have reached a place in my life where I no longer want to work for money, but simply for the joy of the work itself and to better answer the call to service that I feel so clearly in my own heart." It is my opinion that John has always been working from his heart - and that success was the result of that vision and passion. He is a pioneer in his industry - and might that be more important that his millions? I think I know the answer ;)

Besides, just look at their motto, "Whole Foods, Whole People, Whole Planet."

What would happen if you followed your heart? What could you do if you steered your life in the direction to do the things that bring you the most joy and fulfillment?

"Yeah Travis, but my passion is my hobby, I could never create a career out of it."

Maybe not - but do you really believe that, or are you just afraid of committing to the one thing you love most? Don't worry - you're not alone.

Rachel Ray was teaching a cooking class in a supermarket before she was discovered. Ty got snatched up for a little show called "Trading Spaces." Will Farrell was a bank teller who decided to get into improv, and Oprah was told she wasn't attractive enough to be an anchor - I guess they were right ;) Now, don't think this blog is about "how to become a star," but these people are merely examples of how following your passions can take you to some awesome heights.

But, don't get it bassackwords! These are people who enjoyed what they were doing before they became stars, in fact, becoming a star wasn't even on their "to do" list. But, strange things happen when you follow your heart.

Unfortunately, more and more people have "made a good living," yet they don't really like what they have. They're the ones who have it bassackwords. It's okay, but it just takes a little effort to go from "a good living" to "living the good life."

Let me leave you with a quote that captures what we are all capable of, from my favorite writer Mary Baker Eddy. She writes, "Each individual must fill his own niche in time and eternity."

Are you fulfilling your niche?

What do you know...maybe this blog has a point after all? Maybe not. Tough, that's all you get this week!

Much love!

Travis
561.676.4583
travislthomas@mac.com

P.S. - Thanks to everyone who purchased a book last week - keep 'em coming! You can use this link to buy a copy for yourself or a friend. Plus, if you want to know more about coaching - or know someone who might want to know more - please be in touch with me. The first chat is always free :)

Labels: christian science, humor, inspiration, life coaching, purpose, self-help, spirituality, travis thomas